Nick May's TATE OF DECAY

For me, the most recent series of Who was the best of the three so far. There were only two episodes that I disliked and the nosedive in quality that occurred halfway through the last series was not, thankfully, repeated. Freema was a real revelation, the new writers were up to par and all in all, my hopes for the series’ future were high.

Were.

Within forty-eight hours of Martha’s touching (and unexpected) goodbye scene, it is announced that Catherine Tate is to reprise her role as Donna from last Christmas’ (not very) special, The Runaway Bride. The most overrated woman on telly is back and it’s being treated as good news. This is not in any way a balanced article – Catherine Tate is a performer of extremely limited talent whose core audience consists of people whose idea of humour is a single repeated catchphrase. Thirty years ago, if the Who production team had been looking for that sort of talent, we’d probably have had Bruce Forsyth as the fourth Doctor.

This beggars the question: what is the production team thinking? Are they thinking?? If Martha’s destiny lies in Cardiff, then why not cast the nets out again for another talented actor or actress to give them a deserved break, instead of getting somebody in just because people know who they are? I could just about stomach Catherine Tate for an hour, though that maybe due to post-Christmas dinner inebriation, but for thirteen weeks? Am I going to have to get plastered throughout the entire series?

The most obvious candidates for the slot would have been Carey Mulligan and Finlay Robertson (Sally and Larry in Blink), even just until Martha came back. They were more than capable of carrying the show in the regular cast’s (comparative absence) and were likeable characters. Beyond them, names like Sheridan Smith or Natalie Casey spring to mind, they aren’t huge family-friendly names but we know they can help carry a show. But no, it has to be Catherine Tate, whose name and reputation go before her. Do you know that Lewis Collins once attempted to join the SAS? As the story goes, he was fit enough but was refused on the grounds that the credulity of the operations could be compromised by the sight of a nationally recognised figure leaping in through the window. And so it is here – there will be as many people watching the show for her as there are watching it in its own right. And when she doesn’t do ‘sumfink well funnee’ they’ll get bored and switch off. Is this the sort of thing we, the long-term fans, want for Who? The show isn’t exactly lagging in the ratings, so big name casting isn’t really called for.

Show boat casting isn’t impressive. Billie Piper was in the wilderness when she got Who and now there’s no stopping her. Freema had done Crossroads and, of course, Army of Ghosts prior to this series. She came, acted her socks off, wowed everybody and if you aren’t incandescent with rage at her being thrown over for this latest development, then I’d check your pulse if I were you. You may well be dead.

My point is, Christmas specials are the ideal place for a big name guest star. Morecambe and Wise did it. The Bill did it (at least they did back when it was good). It’s the ideal way to make sure everybody knows it’s the festive special – the equivalent of putting a party hat on it. It’s also the way that you make sure that that the rest of the year’s episodes are up to scratch. If this is what you can do without big names on the cast list, just imagine what the special will be like! But once you start getting big names in and confusing celebrity with actual talent, it all goes to cock. You might as well get an ex-Big Brother housemate or have some God-awful Who Companion Idol show. Fuck it, let’s just get Jade Goody for series five now, shall we? The show doesn’t need Catherine Tate and I can honestly say that by the end of thirteen episodes of Donna and the dreadful mockney accent, her true lack of range will be exposed. Sadly, by then the damage will have been done.

Oh, and the Ood are back. I make that two returning monsters…